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Once upon a time, a back injury sidelined my yoga practice. And since it’s kind of a prereq for yoga instructors to be able to bend over, I stopped teaching. Now, after a few restless months healing with the help of way too much wine and cheese, I’m taking my first steps back into the world of yoga pants for a purpose. While I miss being in the studio and teaching the physical practice, what I’ve found I miss the most is writing my “yoga sermon” and delivering it before class. A short and simple inspirational message and a way to relate yoga to real life. So why not keep the habit while I rediscover the practice myself? I could really use a creative outlet and it’s a fun way to explore and remind myself how my yoga practice enhances my every day life “off the mat.”

I KNOW some of you out there are interested in yoga but have been too intimidated to give it a try. I meet you all the time! And why wouldn’t you be?! The “yoga” we see is this physically demanding, unattainable practice for Super Models on exotic beaches. Maybe thoughts from this very real, perfectly imperfect person will shine a light on yoga in the real world and make the practice more accessible, relatable and less about what you see on Instagram.

I have a favorite passage that I like to read in beginner yoga classes. THIS is my real world yoga:

“Yoga is not about being bendy.

It’s about showing up to your mat consistently, not knowing what is going to happen and being ok with that.

It’s about rehabilitating yourself and not believing the ‘experts’ when they say you’re too injured or too old.

It’s about believing you can do anything, even if it’s the most scary, impossible thing you could ever dream of.

It’s about uncovering who you really are.

It’s about being kind to yourself, so you can be kind to others.

Yoga is about discovering that the most crazy thoughts in your head are not true.

It’s about being healthy, but not pushing yourself to the limit.

It’s about slowing down to get strong.

It’s about breathing, moving and smiling on the inside.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but also the best.”

– Allison Dearling, Live and Breath Yoga

Namaste ,

My soul honors your soul. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the light, love, truth, beauty and peace within you, because it is also in me. In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one. 

Lara 

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

I had one of those magical yoga experiences the other day. The class where all the stars align and you leave floating on a cloud of yoga bliss. The music moved me, the flow was like a beautifully choreographed dance and the theme hit me hard right where I needed it. Like one of those church sermons you could swear was written just for you. This feeling is my jam. My ultimate happy place. I’m on a never-ending quest for it and want to live there always. Basking in the joy, positivity, and comfort.

A few days later I returned craving another magical moment. But that isn’t always what I’m given. Instead, there she was – the dreaded hot girl. She looked like Yoga Barbie. Long, beautiful blonde locks tied up in a messy braid like it was on purpose, a shiny headband to accentuate the Lulu sports bra revealing her twenty-something abs of steel. I’ve known many of these girls over my yoga years. She proceeded to roll out her mat right in front of me of course. Not directly in front as to block my view, but just to the left so I could have the opportunity to gaze at her exquisiteness and flawless practice in the mirror for one whole excruciating hour. Disrupting my yoga bliss and redirecting my focus towards my imperfections. Prompting me to get all the feels from my insecurities while sweating my ass off and cursing chair pose. This class is usually my nemesis. And fortunately, yes I said fortunately, more often than not my classes turn out to be like this one in some way; uncomfortable.

Discomfort – we avoid it like the plague and it’s the reason so many of us avoid giving this life-changing practice and so many other things a try. Instead, preferring to stay far, far away from anything that challenges us and exposes us to what we need to work on or provides some opportunity for growth. Most of us prefer to stay wrapped up in a cozy blanket right where we are. In the familiar and safe avoiding pain or anything that may challenge us. They say the true practice of yoga is learning how to embrace your discomfort, breath through it and enjoy the reward on the other side. That crap is so much easier said than done isn’t it?!

I’ve been no stranger to discomfort lately. In fact, I’d say I’ve been wallowing in it. Over the past few years I’ve been diagnosed with Autonomic Neuropathy, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, reactivating Epstein Barr Virus and to put the icing on the cake, Spondylolisthesis (which I can now accurately pronounce). In short, a bunch of big words with a host of miscellaneous and mystery symptoms that are not debilitating, but put a damper on the way I’d prefer to experience life. Invisible to the rest of the world but front and center for me. I’m not writing about this for sympathy in any way. I know there are so many others out there struggling with far greater woes and challenges in life, but it’s been MY challenge and it’s a heaping pile of poop. But who ever decided life was supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies anyway? Who made us beleive we should do everything we can to live in the happy place and avoid the poop? Dierks Bentley preaches that “Half your life you struggle, half your life you fly.” You’ll never learn to fly without hard work and the pain of falling down. Who’s to say which is more rewarding?

After several years of basking in all my discomfort and trying unsuccessfully to avoid it by running to the safety of Orin Swift wines, late night snacks and my new favorite – naps, I feel like I’m beginning to come up for air. A little therapy and more personal development courses than I can recall may have something to do with it. I believe I was meant to experience all of this. I’m pretty confident that my body started a rebellion to bring my attention to a matter I’ve long been trying to ignore. The dysfunctional relationship I have with body image. I’ve always tried to control the way mine looks, the way it works or doesn’t and believed it meant success or failure. I guess my body had enough of my bullshit and decided to throw up a flag. Or 4. I’ve struggled with this beast as long as I can remember as so many of us do. I needed pain to learn to navigate the uncomfortable reality of my body’s needs and limitations. To finally pay attention to the inside, not just the outside. To wade through all the muck that’s stopped me from living to my full potential and realize I’m worth so much more. To practice being kind to the body I’ve been given and appreciate its true beauty. I had to change focus and direction in order to see the possibilities in a new chapter of life.

Last weekend my husband and I took a quick trip to sit next to a pool in Arizona for a few days. I’d been to this place a few times before, the first being just before my body launched its uprising. Although I now have a different body than I did then, both inside and out, I felt more comfortable and free than I ever have before. I sat more confident this time in my tankini than I did before in a bikini, appreciating what I’ve been through and where I have come to be. And I realized that lessons learned from the hot girl in class are just as important as floating on a cloud of yoga bliss. We should work to embrace and accept them both. So stop running from the discomfort and allow yourself to feel it. Although I’m still a work in progress, lately I see that the body in the mirror next to hers is just as beautiful in its own way. So I say thank you to all crap that has caused me pain. I have grown.

“Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.” – Byron Katie

Namaste,

Lara

New Year, New Jacket?

MOOD: Christmas Day, 1993. That brand new, brown leather Bomber Jacket wrapped under the tree was calling my name. I had serious plans for me and that jacket. We were going to take January by storm, strut our stuff through those Middle School doors and conquer the world of cool. That beautiful, brand name jacket with the world map sewn into the silky lining was going to catapult me into Middle School superstardom. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I tore open the box, held it in front of me to revel in it’s glory and then I noticed. It was not  THE Bomber jacket I had been dreaming of. Not THE brand name jacket that only the coolest kids had. It was… THE GENERIC VERSION?! No map on a silky lining, no real leather. Just faux suede and a very plain, polyester lining generously given by well-intentioned parents. My 13 year-old dreams were crushed in one melodramatic moment.

My January, 2018 feels like a big, generic Bomber jacket. Overdramatic, superficial and not what I had hoped for. Irrational teenage angst aside, in my grown-up world I have a fantastic life and I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I am the proud owner of several jackets and love the life I have. But despite its abundance, I can’t help but dream of making improvements. I’ve always been a big fan of that whole “New Year, New Me” thing and I look forward to January and a fresh start each year. There is something so exhilarating about designing the life of your dreams and working to make it a reality. The life of my current dreams does NOT include any of this back injury BS. I’ve been dying to get back to my former lifestyle and to start moving forward in the direction I’ve always gone and believe is best for me. So I decided that in the last few months of 2017 I would rest, take it easy through the Holidays, enjoy the heck out of the remaining moments of my “Wine and Comfort Food For Healing” diet and then hit the ground running after the tree came down. I would sign up for some crazy intense Boot Camp or 30 day Challenge and blow my newest 10 lbs out of the water. I’d build up strength and get back into my old, sweaty power yoga routine, kick some serious ass and get on with becoming a much improved version of who I’ve always wanted to be. But despite my dreams and the expectations I have for myself, I think the Universe has other plans. This back issue won’t stop rearing its ugly head and I have a feeling this pattern of easing into my old physical activity, causing myself pain and following that up with weeks of healing appears to be my new normal. NOT what I had planned for this year. NOT what I desperately want for my life. Definitely NOT what’s going to take me down a path to superstardom, or at least my current definition of it.

I know there is a lesson in all of this of course. I’m fairly certain that until I’m able to free myself from the notion that I know best and that life should look exactly as I want it to be, I’m destined for disappointment and the companionship of my sullen, teenage self. So I will look to yoga, my tried and true friend, for guidance. Maybe not the sweaty, all out physical practice I’ve known in the past, but a new practice. One based on love and compassion for my body over power and intensity. One designed for the body I currently have, not for the body I think I need. I will work to embrace my new reality with an open mind rather than fight it with old patterns and behavior. Yoga, regardless of style, encourages us to practice letting go of the expectations we have for our bodies, what we should or should’t be capable of doing and to accept and nurture the reality of what’s actually in front of us. Through yoga we allow ourselves time to find the stillness and the quiet we need to listen closely to the wisdom our bodies can reveal. We learn to challenge the ego and begin each practice with an open mind so that we may create space for whatever needs to be or is meant to become. Not necessarily what is wanted or what was assumed. I will use yoga to practice moving slowly but surely through the present moment. I will remember that some of my favorite practices have been on days when I felt miserable, hopeless or injured; believing I would be better off staying in bed only to leave feeling replenished and pleasantly surprised.

In hindsight, I’m convinced that beautiful, brand name jacket with the map on the lining would have taken me down a disastrous path of extreme “coolness” instead of the safe and steady road that brought me here today.  So I will wear this generic, January jacket and practice trusting in the direction it’s taking me and learn the lessons it brings with it. I will work to embrace the idea that what I want or expect of myself isn’t necessarily what is meant to be. I’m not yet sure where this jacket will take me but I’m confident it’s where I’m supposed to be.

 

“Expectation feeds frustration as it’s simply an illusive form of control by attempting to grip the reins that aren’t ours to hold. Breathe. Release. Let go. Allow your life naturally, quietly unfold.” – Victoria Ericsson

 

Namaste,

Lara

Breathe it in

The setting: Early morning, beachfront yoga in a Hawaiian paradise. A birds chirping, sun shining, waves crashing cliché, Forgetting Sarah Marshall style. A yogi’s dream come true. An ideal way to kick off a week of relaxation and overindulgence. There is no place I’d rather be.

I had arrived just in time. The shade looked heavenly but was overbooked so I set myself up in the leftover sunny spot. I talked myself into believing this was a great idea because well…. vacation. We began with Child’s Pose and 10 minutes of bliss. Some gentle stretching, the glorious sun on my face, green grass below me, blue on blue in front of me. Not a care in the world. And then, like clockwork, BAM! That damn anxiety thing. That annoying little voice that pulls you away from wherever you are to remind you of past or present mistakes and suggests you think about any possible unpleasant, ridiculously improbable or just completely average situation you might encounter. Hijacking your time and experience for the sake of preparedness or a case of the should or shouldn’t haves.

Brain:

Why did I decide to do this right now? We just got here. I can do this tomorrow. I’m being selfish. I should be checking out the resort with my family! I’m missing out on their excitement!

Move your body – Mountain Pose

What time is our dinner reservation tonight? Ooooh I hope the timing works with the sunset because I really need that Christmas card shot.

Move your body – Forward Fold

I should have gone to save shady chairs by the pool. What if we’re stuck at the kiddie pool?!

Move your body- Downward Facing Dog

Ok- glorious sun on my face no more. It’s freakin’ hot! Ohhhhh the shade….

Move your body –  Low Lunge

Wait – why am I thinking about ANYTHING right now? This is fantastic and I should be soaking it up.  Now I’m having anxiety about my anxiety.

Move your body – Crescent Lunge

As my thoughts spiraled through a series of first world problems, the instructor offered a familiar phrase – “Remember to breathe.” Ahhhh – breathing. That was my problem. I was doing it, but had forgotten to recognize it. If you were to ask my children, “deep breath” is a solid staple in my catalog of Mom quotes. An instant reminder that we’re alive and ok. A signal to your body to calm the heck down and revisit the present moment. Inhale…. exhale – two little words that don’t get enough love in everyday life but in yoga, they get to shine. No matter the distractions we face or thoughts that run wild in our heads, yoga always reminds us to come back to our breath. When we bring conscious awareness to the air flowing in and out of our lungs we have no choice but to let go of what happened yesterday, what might happen tomorrow, or whatever seems unbearable at the time. We are brought back to the present moment, to where we actually are and what’s actually in front of us. The only place we ever really have. It’s a shame to miss out on living because of the mind’s never-ending quest to bring us elsewhere, isn’t it? Our breath is a steadfast, overlooked and underutilized tool at our immediate disposal with the power to remind us to fully experience life. One inhale at a time.

As I sit writing this in a coveted shady spot on my last day in paradise, I am tempted to go looking into next week – the laundry pile that awaits, a plan for Thanksgiving dinner, a crucial post vacation detox. But this moment deserves my full attention. It’s one of those “once in a lifetimes” and needs to be savored, cemented in my memory. So instead, I breathe it in.

I inhale…. the sun’s sparkle on the water.

Exhale… the heavenly sound of my children’s laughter.

Inhale… the smell of coconut sunblock.

Exhale… the loves of my life and the best sand castle ever.

I am here now and only here. Right where I need to be.

 

“Wherever you are, be all there.” – Jim Elliot

 

Namaste,

Lara

“THAT Girl”

What is it that makes us all so afraid of being “THAT girl?” Insert exaggerated eye roll. “THAT girl” who has absolutely no business doing whatever it is she’s trying to do because well, she just looks freakin’ ridiculous, imperfect, unworthy, like a beginner…. You fill in the blank. I’d love to know – have any of us actually died from or known anyone who’s died from looking a little silly? I assume no. And yet we let this paralyzing fear of what other people might think rob us of so many incredible experiences and opportunities! Why do we give it so much power?!

I’d been avoiding my first studio yoga class since my injury, and for much longer before that than I care to admit actually, because I didn’t want to be “THAT girl.” I’m supposed to be a yoga instructor aren’t I? A Lululemon model who flows gracefully into Bird of Paradise in designer spandex without breaking a sweat in 95 degree heat. I’m not supposed to be “THAT girl.” But I definitely felt like her and truthfully always had. I was out of shape, out of practice and unable to bend into my lower back. Despite my ego, it was time to stop hiding and to show up.  To bring back the practice that breathes life into me despite my lack of confidence. So I went, to a new studio and to a class taught by an instructor that taught me how to teach yoga and knows who an instructor is “supposed” to be. I sucked up my pride and was ready to be “THAT girl” I was so afraid to be and to begin my practice again. As I lay there before class nestled safely in the comfort of my own mat I reminded myself that the hardest part really is just getting there. I thought fondly about classes past and was immediately hit with the truth – In all my years as a yoga student and an instructor, I had never actually seen “THAT girl.” Instead I’ve seen a girl brave enough to kick fear in the face, who takes a chance on something new and uncomfortable, who stands naked, exposed and vulnerable in front of a class and herself praying there is actually a reward on the other side. Someone who stumbles but learns to laugh it off and pick herself back up. Who learns to practice a yoga meant just for her, customized to fit her unique body and needs in the present moment. Someone who has already discovered something by just walking through the front door. She’s learned that her imagination is full of shit because “THAT girl” doesn’t actually exist! And everyone else has seen her too.

So I yoga-ed and I survived. I emerged a little bit stronger, a little bit looser, and with the coveted post-yoga high I had missed so much. Rewarded with the knowledge that THIS girl is real, imperfect, ever-changing and kind of a badass when she allows herself to see it.

 

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” – Elenor Roosevelt

 

Namaste,

Lara